答應自己

三個月的工作幾乎將我的企圖心以及對這個世界的責任感啃噬殆盡。我變得非常消極，再次退回自己的巢穴，孤單地想像著遙不可及的人生。當我在所有經手的事務的倒影裡，看不到一點點所謂的自我，我便徹底落空了。遂只想著逃逸，不斷將自己寄託在人群之間，擠壓著僅有的獨處時間，盡量不去思索明天的事。

自此，我成為一個淺薄的人。

可在心裡最深處，我是一個迷路的小孩。我比從前任何一個階段都要更無助更軟弱。九月生日前夕，工作屆滿兩個月，我對於自己在工作場域上停滯不前這件事感到莫大的焦慮。有天，因著未竟的離校手續事宜，返回校園。遇見幾個朋友，我不由分說地在他們面前哭得傷心。

這週五午後，我又對無止盡的行政庶務不耐了。和同事交代了一聲便往外頭走，一邊走一邊克制不讓眼中顫動的淚水滾落，直到覓得一條寧靜的巷弄才能放肆開來。

是這樣在一點一滴的自我消耗及磨損中，走到現在。

儘管親愛的你們是那樣的靠近我，但回到職場上，我終究得獨自面對潛伏的枯索與煩躁與惶惑。不過幸好總有你們陪伴左右，願意細細聆聽我的苦楚。

我會答應自己／你們要積極起來。

就像今天黃建為在Come to Me新歌演唱會中所演繹的那首歌Everything一樣，他要把這首歌獻給所有剛踏出校園，必須在崎嶇的現實中練習平衡感的人。


Everything
作詞：黃建為 作曲：黃建為

Rush hour in the dawn, trapped up you and I
Gas smell in the air, makes me feel so tired
And I've been everywhere, searching for a sign
And I've tried everything, every day in my life

Busy day and night, round and round I strive
And I wonder why, there's no sunset or sunrise
I'm sitting here alone, letting time pass by
Watching the traffic lights, turn black and white
The crowds flood over me, whirling me inside
In the flow, all is silent

I have dreamed before, if I could turn back time
Back to the other day, choices I could've tried
Would I find better things, to make life worth the fight
Would I find a better me, eyes shining with light

Don't know where I want to go
(no path is worng or right)
Don't know when I'll stop my roam
(let go and free the mind)
Here I sit, singing this song
Let the tides keep rolling, and the sandglasses keep turning
A soft breeze whispers by

And I'll go everywhere, every road I'll ride
Although the journey's rough, I'll be fine
No matter what it takes, I will try
Life will find its way, the sky is bright

And I'll go everywhere, every road I'll ride
Although the journey's rough, I'll be fine
And I'll do everything, I will try
Let me grow the wings to fly
To fly high